It's the Final Countdown.

Yes, picture a big hair band or a bunch of crazy girls singing it - either way it's the truth!! 2 days until surgery.

 I am starting to get  a bit nervous - having some super crazy dreams.  I'm not worried about the silence after surgery - I have done that and know I can do it.  I am actually scared it won't work.  I know that percentage is very low but stranger things have happened.  I keep reading all the consent forms in depth - yikes.  I know it is on every form I signed when I had kids, etc. but I never had them for a week to read. Scared is probably not the right word - anxious is more like it.  Ready to do it and get it over.  Or maybe I am looking forward to a quiet house - hmmm. 

My kids are getting super star treatment next week:  a weekend at the lake and then 4 days at the beach.  Lucky kids.  BUT they have been rock stars!!! Katie can understand me better than anyone or maybe she is patient and takes her time guessing so I don't get frustrated. She would make an awesome teacher :).  She relays information, orders food at drive thrus, answers my phone, and even ordered for me at the movies the other day.  WOW!!! Connor is just as impressive - just gets a bit more frustrated that he doesn't understand me. But the other night at a friends house he explained to a bunch of strangers why I couldn't talk and got it all right.  Maybe he will be the doctor. They are also getting along  so far.  May be the zero tolerance rule we put into effect this summer.  Pretty much says we will not accept whining, arguing, or fighting.  we get final word or you lose screens.  IF they can talk to us in an important voice and give good reason why they want something we will discuss with them.  Working really well so far. We will have to type it out for the grandparents to take with them on their journeys!!

It is amazing in public - most people are very understanding and get that I can't talk - most think I have laryngitis - sure that's it.  But every once in a while I get strange looks from people - maybe its because I am whistling for my kids like you do a dog - parenting 101 - treat children like pets.  Some lady just stared at me at Belk's the other day as I whistled and Connor followed - wish my dogs were as well behaved.

"talk" to you soon!!

Udpate and Dr. visit

Well,  it has been about a week since I blogged.  I really do think about it but then my book takes hold.  Getting lots of good reading in.  Nothing of literary quality but good summer trash.  Yes, I read the 50 Shades trilogy.  I get lots of free books from Pixelsofink.com.  Each day they send an email with free books from Amazon.  Great way to get freebies.

I am pretty impressed with myself.  I have been doing quite well being quiet.  Of course, I have a wonderful support system and family and friends who truly care!!

 I have been to the pool party - iphone was lifesaver, swim team practices, mock swim meet - must get cowbell!!!, end of year party (whoo hoo) - Owen did catch me talking a bit oops so I typed the rest, last day of school for a bit, post planning at school, and a weekend at the lake - so hard to "watch" ultimate charades of death, especially when I knew the answers - but i was official timer/scorekeeper, wine drinker.  I got a stylus for my ipad and write on Bamboo papers app.  It makes it very easy and user friendly.  I have talked a bit - a sentence here or there (when your 8 yr. old son is near tears because he doesn't understand you words are needed :)  I do know when I have talked to much and put an end to it right there.

Today I went back to the dr. for a check up and to possibly schedule surgery. My left vocal cord looks better than April but still not awesome.  I am on complete voice rest for another week.

We have tentatively scheduled surgery for June 7 or possibly June 12 (Happy Anniversary Owen!!) - yes, I have heard all the must love the quiet jokes!  Hopefully it will go as planned and then I can recover!

Recovery includes:  another week of complete silence, then adding a few minutes every few days. Hopefully by August 6, I will be much better.  Still will need an amplifier. My ENT says every teacher should have one.  He had another patient in today who taught Kindergarten also. UGH!!!

We are so blessed to have a wonderful support system.  We live within 30 minutes of all our in state family members. WE are currently planning trips for the kids.  I will be staying home bound during complete silence after surgery.  I have to take away tempation. Know any good movies - send the names my way!! I know I am going to catch up on Drop Dead Diva - Lifetime rocks.

Must go watch movie with the kids - I will update shortly.  Please leave me comment so I know someone is looking at the blog :)

Survived the first week.

Well, it has been one week and I am doing pretty darn good.  I have been to swim practice - no talk, hung out at the pool - no talk, lunch with parents - no talk.  I even did some work at school - no talk.  then I got the cough!! My voice therapist says I should not be coughing - really??? So I call the ENT and he puts me on a cough syrup with hydrocodone - awesome sleep last night ;)  But my throat feels better and I think I can talk - NOPE!!! 1 more week until I see the dr!!! I am hoping for a quick surgery and quick recovery and get on with summer. BUT there is something to be said for sitting and listening. I CAN do it.

I got to walk my kids to school today. One little thing I miss while teaching.  Can't believe school is out tomorrow.  Then I go back for 2 days. 

Connor is my lifesaver - he reminds me - mom you can't talk :) - then quit asking me questions.

Thank you to everyone who is so supportive and understands when I have to stop to write something down.  Makes a WORLD of difference.

I can't talk - YOU can!!

Had a few wonderful surprises today.  A short visit with a friend did wonders for my morale - even with me scribbling notes and texting.  Met my sister at the Forum for a bit of shopping.  My favorite shopkeeper (so excited I can put that word in a sentence) was loving playing charades and guessing what I needed.  Of course, she knows me well and what I like. I think my sister enjoyed being the translator as well.  Everyone is so nice when I motion I can't talk.  Then the plumber came:
 
So we had a plumber come today to look at the disposal. My husband must have told him I couldn't speak.  He used sign language as he spoke like I couldn't hear and would point instead of talking.  I can't talk - YOU CAN!!! How funny - new point of view.  He used motions to ask if he should call and let O know everything or if I could.   I can. getting mighty good at texting.

Today we have swim team.  Going to take my kindle, sit back and answer yes and no questions. 

Think I can do this - of course the kids aren't home yet!!!

Good reminder!!!

And so it begins.  It is Mother's Day - what a wonderful day it has been.  My kids woke me up with homemade cards.  Katie told me she wishes she could get me a new voice because she misses my old one - too sweet.  Connor told me he loves that I like going to movies with him :) .  Then they made me a movie full of pictures of them as babies and put it to music - very proud of them.  Wonderful movie.

I have been quiet today after the play all weekend.  Katie was in Schoolhouse Rock Live - Loved it.  She did a super job!!

I don't go to school tomorrow so I have a week and half at home with no kids during the day to rest my voice.  I do have voice therapy tomorrow.  I have been quiet today and am already a bit bored.  But many chores to keep me busy. 

Happy Mother's Day to  my mom and Owen's mom.  How blessed we are to have such wonderful role models. 

Although it will be difficult and boring, I was reminded today of how blessed my life is because of 2 little people and Owen!!!  Gotta get my voice back for them!!!

Well, the time has come.  Tomorrow is my last day at work.  It has been a tough few weeks.  I have been busy getting it all done at school on top of Relay for Life, C's First Holy Communion and K's play this weekend.  I am stretched.  On top of that, I have been in a bad place.  The stress of what is actually happening is weighing heavily on me.  I feel cut off from the world and I have been talking here and there.  I definitiely have cut down on how much I talk.   I know I am not but it is hard to have a one sided conversation.  I do talk at work but that will end tomorrow.  Sounds great to have a house to yourself for 8 hours - doesn't?  I am sure I will like it at first but it seems never ending.  This is all BEFORE surgery -  can't even schedule until after I see the dr. again.  I know there is an end in sight.  I will try and "relish" time alone - read a book, watch a movie, organize every room, sit outside and get sun.

I hope to find some funnies in the next few weeks.  HEck - I make myself laugh all the time. I will update you on good books and movies.  And yes, I have read, finished and adored Fifty Shades!!!

Major decision today!!!

Well, a week after my ENT appt. I made a major decision. I am taking a leave of absence for the last 8 days of school. I am going to stay home and rest my voice before my appt. on May 30. Hopefully my cords will be ready for surgery then. It was a very hard decision. If you know me, it takes a lot for me to stay home. I realized today that my students had come so far and learned so much that I feel comfortable taking this time for me. Another hard decision was telling Katie I couldn't take her to the Luke Bryan / Jason Aldean concert. She has not decided what she wants to do yet.

I have to keep reminding myself and my kids this is short term!!!

I am so blessed to work in an environment that allows me to take care of me and supports me while I am there. I also have a wonderful family who are willing to help out any way they can.

Nothing real funny today - just a tough decision day.

Weekend Update!!

Well, I think I see a pig or two in the sky!!! I was quiet for 24 hours on Saturday. It was very strange - Katie even helped because she wanted me to be able to say I did it!! Owen and I had date night. The movie was easy but dinner was surreal - he told the waiter I couldn't talk but I can point. I am lucky he knows me well - ordered everything exactly like I wanted it. We did use the notepad on the Iphone to "talk". I am sure people thought we were just crazy gadget kids (which for those close to us know it is true) One sided conversations are hard but we know it is important to continue.
Funny story from Saturday: Katie asked me how long I would be in the hospital for surgery - I typed in none and that I would come home that day. She said "Oh, your trying to save money by not staying there?" Yes, Katie exactly.
Sunday was not as easy but still did really well. I did have to teach religious ed. but Katie is in my class and helped a lot. Then at Connor's soccer game - I clapped but no yelling even after he made a goal!! Dinner out with the family and I used the phone to chat.
At school, my parapro has started giving me grades at the end of the day. I started off strong BUT it was a field trip - I give myself an F!!! A BIG FAT F!!! Oh, well. Tomorrow is a new day and tonight is a quiet night. I am getting good at texting but auto correct will be the death of me. IF I text with you please be patient. Think of it as a game - What is she trying to say???? My kids are getting really good at translating and I even got a whistle (call me Captain Von Trapp) to call them. They are learning some good skills by talking for me in stores.
I have given up Bunko and Book Club for the next few months. I will miss all my dear friends but I will be thinking of you on Monday nights.
I am glad I have the blog. I like feeling I can "talk" and share the funny stories of my day. Today's funny - a student asked " Mrs. Kenworthy, what is your last name???" Pretty funny since some of my kids think my name is Mrs. Kimberly.

Thanks for reading. Please leave a comment and let me know you stopped by!!

My new normal

I have been very diligent at home staying silent. Of course, there have been times I have had to talk but my goal today is to be silent all day. Hmmm? It will be hard but I am now tracking the times I talk so I will make sure to only talk when needed. Lots of typing and writing today. My wonderful husband found an app that was created for people with speech difficulties and sounded great until we saw the price - $189 - YIKES!!!

Can't wait to see how I do today.

What a trying day

I went to therapy this morning and was so excited about the great news she gave me. She released me from therapy and told me to go to the ENT to get an update and schedule surgery. I called the ENT on the way home and was so excited to find out they could see me today. Finally, we could get a date on the calendar and plan for the summer. Well, don't make plans is the moral here!!! The ENT took a picture and told me he could not even schedule surgery because it was so red and inflamed. I have another appt. at the end of May. Until then, I am on stricter voice rest. I think this scared me quiet!!! UGH!!! It is only for a little while, I can do it.

A new start

I have decided to make a new start at this non talking thing. I decided I have to give up control and let others do it. Okay, my kids aren't making it very easy. They love to ask questions that require more than a yes or no answer. And they love to argue!!!! Today I am taking charge!! I downloaded an app to speak for me. Con and I have tried it out today. Works pretty well but not real loud. They can read it if they need to.

I talk all day at school with frequent breaks but it is not enough. I am putting myself on complete voice rest at night! I saw a friend at karate tonight and used my app - went great. People are understanding and supportive. How lucky i am we have this technology. Here's to using my gadgets to help my health. (hold up imaginary beverage) I knew these gadgets would come in handy.

I also realized at the neighborhood Easter egg hunt that I will no longer be the one to call out events. It is sad to pass on that torch but it must be done.

No more pity parties. I am embracing my new normal at least for a couple of months!!!!

Ruining my social life

UGH!!! I hate making decisions that are good for my voice but bad for my social life. I am actually stepping back from doing things because the environment is too loud or I will be to tempted to talk alot. It is ruining my social life. I know it is a short time in the scheme of life but often feel all alone in the struggle. Yes, I am having a pity party right now. I will get over it and enjoy the solitude but if you can tell me when that would be great???

My First Therapy Appt.

This morning, I woke up on a day off and went to my first voice therapy appointment. My son accompanied me I spent much of his pre school years taking him to speech. The irony did not escape me. I did better on some things and came up with solutions for parts of my life that are difficult. I am now practicing taking a good breath before talking and not stressing my voice - airy. Felt a bit like Monica on Friends asking if I was light and airy - if I have ask than probably not :)! It was a great visit and am ready to practice. However.........

We celebrated little man's 8th birthday at Dave and Buster's today!! Not the quietest environment and ten 8 year olds kept me busy. Luckily, I had my family with me to help. So I made a grown up decision to skip book club tonight. I KNOW I can not be quiet when discussing a book - heck discussing anything - LOL!!! He had a blast and everyone enjoyed themselves so it was worth the sore throat today. Love my little leprechaun. My sweet soon to be double digit girl asked to have her party there - when I said no- she said " Maybe next year when your voice is better. " Love her!!!!

Learned some new info on surgery - It is a a MAJOR decision. My polyp is big according to dr. and therapist. So... if it doesn't shrink (which my type of polyp does not often do :() I will do surgery. The voice rest is MANDATORY. If you talk during the 2 weeks after surgery you can scar the vocal cords which will be permanent damage. I have to be sure I can do it. Gonna have to practice some more self control and let someone else take over. I can no longer do it all.

Lots to ponder the next couple of months and new normals to learn so when I am "fixed" I do not harm my voice again.

Things are looking up!

It has been a tough few weeks. Working has proven to be more challenging. I am very raspy and hoarse at night so I know I overdo it. I have wonderful colleagues who remind me to talk at a conversational level, redirect students when needed and give me positive feedback when I am talking with the correct amount of breath. Luckily, I have speech pathologists all around me as well as an awesome music teacher who gives me some great ideas. Of course, I have no hear for music so some of it sounds Greek to me but I so appreciate her support. Now to get through conferences on Monday and Tuesday. It shouldn't be too bad since I only have 3 on each day - I am lucky to not have 20 kids.

We spent the last weekend in Hilton Head and Savannah. It was fun to walk around Savannah and relax in Hilton Head. I did lots of reading and watching the kids play.

So for the good news: Well, today a microphone showed up in my room - Hooray!! The speaker is in the back of the room and the microphone is around my neck. It made today much easier. I can talk normal but the kids can hear me . It is so great to work at a school that cares for its staff. AND I got a letter letting me know that insurance will cover 6 therapy sessions until May 31!! Awesome.

Doing better not talking at night and trying to limit my weekends. I do miss chatting with friends and need to limit that more also. I have realized that Ultimate Charades of Death Round 3 will be my round!!!!

Looking forward to scheduling my first therapy and learning more ways to use my voice correctly. Let the new me begin!!!

Playing tennis - know your hand signals

My husband and I played our first tennis match today where I couldn't call out the score or call balls out. I did tell my opponents I was on voice rest and will be making calls with hand signals. They were super nice and it was not too bad. It was hard when I thought a serve was out and we played it so then I decided I would call balls out in my conversational voice. We lost but had fun and didn't freeze. However, I was not so good outside the fence. I just love interacting with people. Starting to feel like an Avox from Hunger Games.

How It All Began

Imagine being told you can only talk a few minutes each hour. You are a loud gregarious teacher who enjoys her friends and family. First you feel a bit of excitement Really? I can sit back, listen, read books, and text. Then the disbelief sets in. How are you going to raise 2 kids, teach a class, talk with your husband AND enjoy your family and friends. And so my journey begins. I have been diagnosed with a hemorrhagic polyp on my vocal cord. Probably from yelling too much at sporting events, on the playground, or just overusing my voice as a teacher and parent and not using it correctly.

Let me give you some background on me. I am a 42 year old woman who loves to talk. Yep, first problem. I enjoy my friends and my family. I come from a family of 4 kids - the youngest. We have now increased to 20 total. When we get together it is loud and boisterous. My husband's family is just as big but not as loud. Although, my family likes to say I am loud, they are loud as well. Let me clarify. My mom, sister, and I are loud. It is not a bad thing. It is what it is.

I have been teaching since 1993 off and on. I currently teach Special Education and absolutely love what I do. Is every day simple? Nope. Is everyday rewarding? Beyond measure!!!

I have 2 kids - they are loud as well. My poor husband. He is quiet but has such impact with what he says. We are opposites- well we were.

My journey began in December 2011. Teachers had told me my voice was hoarse and raspy. I decided to have it checked out over Winter Break. I found out I had a hemorrhagic polyp on my left vocal cord. I heard the diagnosis, took my forms, knew I would be hearing from the voice clinic for voice therapy and went on my way. I knew surgery was an option in May/June since I was a teacher but figured the rest of my life would continue as is.

Don't ever make plans- the big guy just laughs. Don't get me wrong, I have total faith in my God and realize there is a reason for everything. I am so very thankful it is just a polyp.

Fast forward to February 3, 2012. Today is my first visit with my voice coach. WOW! I have been living under a rock. I am suddenly so aware of what I can and can't do. Some of it is easy- jolly ranchers help keep my throat moist, mints do not. Okay, therapist orders- eat jolly ranchers Drink lots of water, get good sleep (I am good at sleeping), and don't yell. Okay, the last one is not easy but it easier than the rest. I can only speak for 30 minutes an hour- it can be broken up into a few minutes at a time but 30 minutes max. What???? I am a teacher!!! I love to talk with colleagues, friends, kids, husband and family. Luckily, at school I have a paraprofessional that can help with reading stories, giving directions, and redirecting. I have colleagues that keep me in check and are very supportive. I still have to talk a lot. The next one- Keep stress to a minimum. As I pick myself off the floor from laughing I realize the therapist is serious. This is a tough one. Not only do I stress at work but I have 2 kids and all their activities. I live with stress. It is my normal. Suddenly, I realize I need to find a new normal that will be good for my voice and my life. Suddenly, I am living a social experiment. I am my own science experiment.

Feb 4- dinner at my sisters house. I am talking quieter, not whispering. Someone asks what's wrong? I tell them what is going on. My sister, comedienne that she is, says must have cheering at your house since She can't talk. I have already heard how loud I am my whole life. Later, my niece said how weird it was that I am so much quieter. I did enjoy listening to each conversation but never felt completely comfortable. Like I was just looking in.

Feb 10- I have completed my first week. Wow- it is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I have worked very hard at keeping my voice at a conversational level. I have tried to only talk when necessary. Not so easy at school. Pretty hard at home. It is hard for all of us to realize that I need to be quiet. Just taking the dogs out is difficult. They expect me to talk to them. Poor dogs. I feel a bit like a dog who can't respond. Have you ever had a one sized conversation? That is how it feels at our house a lot. I do lots of charades, head shakes, and texting. My poor husband. I think this is the hardest part for me. I want to tell him about my day, not text it. He wants to talk on the way home from work and I am trying to wait so we can talk face to face. Then the kids screaming, he has to deal with them. They will learn. I am hoping they will learn better voice control through this process. It is so much harder than I thought it would be but it is so important. I feel pretty special being in the same category as Keith Urban and Adelle. It is hard to feel like you are looking into conversations not actively engaging. I feel very boring and out of touch. These one sided conversations don't exactly invite people to chat.

My throat hurts tonight. Is it because I had to talk so much today or a cold? These thoughts consume my mind as I sit silently writing. I figured it would be hard but never imagined how hard. Yes, it is fun to joke that She can't talk. Try it for one day. Don't talk unless absolutely necessary. We have no idea how much we use our voice. But in retrospect, it could be so much worse. I am healthy, have a wonderful family, and work environment.

I look forward to seeing how I change during this process.